this was frustrating. although all the staff were very nice, caring, and helpful, there is nothing like your own home. But i'm not going to fill this blog with my tails of illness. I just wanted to share with you a few insights i gained into another disability.
i've met quite a few people in wheelchairs, and when I hurt my ankle back in middle school I was pushed in one for a few hours. but i'd forgotten how it felt. for the first few times i left the ward after all the drama of the set back, i was instructed to go in a wheelchair. i don't remember feeling quite so vunrable in my whole life. when you are being guided by someone, they can be a really good guide who you know won't bump you into anything, trip you up curbs, or forget to make sure they gave you enough time to get through a door before letting go. and you can get bad guides who zoom off so you have to run to keep up with them, forget to tell you when there is a step let alone if its up or down, or rush off to look at something without you, suddenly remember you're there and shout things like "o! come this way, towards me!" all those sort of things, while not making me feel safe or secure, i have at least almost got used to. going in a wheelchair is a whole different ball game.
the first people to take me out were my sisters Lizzie and Jenny. I was so over the moon to be allowed off the ward that I climbed into the wheelchair quite happily, trying not to fall in as i put one foot onto the plate at the bottom and the chair moved backwards! then my sisters discovered that if they pushed the chair forwards, it had a mind of its own and wondered all over the place. so they pulled it backwards out of the ward, and all the way to Costa Coffee. this was ok, once i got used to the fact that I was traveling backwards, i felt reasonably safe, if a bit disorientated. i was a bit disconcerted however by the fact that when my sisters stopped, the chair didn't, and wondered a few inches on its own. we went for a walk in the fresh air, which was lovely, and it was nice to sit outside for a while and catch up with my sisters. we then made our backwards way up to the ward again.
the next time i went in the wheelchair was with my parents. they could make it drive forwards, but as mum pushed, i couldn't help but notice i was meandering from one side of the corridor to the other. this was very disconcerting, as her attempts to straighten it made me feel like being on a gone wrong fair ground ride. we got downstairs, and it was my dad's turn to push. he said "does this drive like a golf?" it certainly didn't feel like riding in a Golf, for a start, there seemed to be no suspension at all! a bit later on, when we'd been going in a straight line for a few minutes, dad said, "its just like driving a combine. it steers from the back wheels." i could agree with this, i haven't personally been in a combine, but i've ridden in a tractor when my dad used to farm, and i could see how the ride in this chair compared.
it was a new experience as well paying for something when you're only at the level of the counter. i was slightly put off by the fact that when dad told me to give my order at the burger king, he was still moving the wheelchair. i seemed completely unable to open my mouth until he had pushed it forward, pulled it back, and finally stopped it! when i was stationary, i made my order, and then tried to pay for it. the card machine was just about within reach. after a couple of attempts, i put my pin number in and took my card. i was then wheeled to a table and automatically went to push my chair in closer. the only trouble was, the chair shot back, then forwards then back again. and when i inlsted mum's help, it couldn't go close to the table because of the arms. still, the Burger King was lovely!
we went outside, and after a few minutes of rattling over the paths, i asked to get out a walk for a bit. it felt so wonderful to be able to walk round after being in the chair for a while! i had to go back into it to get back into the ward, and experienced a moment of fright as the door swung past me, right at face level.
being in a wheelchair made me feel vunrable because I wasn't sure where i would be going next. and when we stopped, i wasn't sure when we were going to start again.
I have always said that being blind is hard, but i'm used to it, and have something to look forward to in seeing Jesus face to face. but as frustrating as my disability is, i know that I could be much much worse off. i've always thought it would be horrible not to be able to hear, and felt that i would hate to be in a wheelchair, and now i know from experience i wouldn't like it. it was frustrating that I couldn't be mobile in the hospital, and for the first week of being in there had to get someone to take me to the bathroom all the time. i even pointed out to the doctors who asked me "are you up and about?" that i couldn't walk around without someone to take me. that was frustrating, since until my mum or other visitors came in, i had little to do but sit around. however when i pointed this out to the doctor, they asked if one of the student nurses could walk me up and down the ward a few times a morning. I also learnt my way to the bathroom, and was able to be a bit more independent. I was also relieved not to have to use the wheelchair when I went off the ward. i was further encumbered by having to hold on to the drains which were trailing from my chest and taped together at the front. so i only had one hand to do anything with. i felt a bit like a phone that is constantly on charge with all my wires trailing everywhere.
i guess what i've confirmed in my mind through all this is that God only gives us what he knows we can cope with. he equips us to deal with the lot he has chosen for us. some of us to have full use of our limbs, and limited sight, some to be completely unable to move but have a sharp intellect. whatever he chooses, how ever frustrating and hard work it seems, its what he knows we can cope with, and for our good.
i am out of hospital now, and am thanking the Lord for this, and for the care I received which could not have been better. I also thank him for showing me, how blessed I am.
