Pastures New

“Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path”. Psalm 119: 105 In the last 3 and a half years or so, i’ve visited many places in connection with my work for Through The Roof. I have had the privilege of spreading God’s word and love, as well as making people aware of the charity and what it does. I’ve given my testimony and drawn on my experiences of growing up blind to try and show people that life with a disability doesn’t have to be as much of a challenge as people think, and that inclusion really can work, both ways, with the disabled person giving and receiving. I’ve enjoyed this work very much, and its only by God’s Grace and Mercy that I have done it at all. However, now I feel he is moving me on to pastures new. In December this year Will and I are expecting our first baby. this is a great joy to us and we are very excited! So it is with a lot of prayer and thought that I have decided to leave Through The Roof and become a full-time Mum. I feel that God is really leading me to this and that it will be very rewarding. So this will be my last blog post, but thank you all so much for your prayers and support throughout my time at Through The Roof! It’s meant so much to me. I hope and pray for you all that God will guide you in all that you do. My CDs will still be available for anyone interested from the Through The Roof online shop, and I will continue to follow the charity’s work closely.

Don't look down on me, Look up to God

Don't look down on me, look up to God. Ephesians 3:20New King James Version (NKJV) 20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, One of the challenges I face in my life is travel. I am terrified of using public transport of any sort. Since marrying Will we have travelled together and while this doesn't solve the issue, it does help to have someone with me, though to say that I get butterflies in my stomach as we prepare to leave is an understatement. I would certainly never attempt a train or bus journey alone, as I have all too often experienced being left stranded on a station platform because the assistance hasn't turned up. I have never been one of those people who can just shout "help" at a passer by, instead I freeze with fear and panic! Give me a room full of people and I can talk and sing to them no problem, but stand me at a bus stop or station platform and I am completely tongue tied and turn into a shivering wreck. Throughout my life, I have tried to do something about my fear of travel. I had mobility lessons at school, and after a break of a few years I am now having some more. but I still can only manage to walk around my local town without having a complete emotional melt down on the pavement. Give me a dirty house to clean, some washing to hang out, a song to learn or a child to look after and I am in my element, but say "lets go to your mum's on the bus today" and I'm gone. Will, like many blind people is a very independent traveller, and it really doesn't bother him to jump on a train to London or a bus to the middle of nowhere. I envy him that, especially when sighted people or even members of the blind community look down on me for my lack of independent travel, saying things like, I know a blind woman and she goes everywhere on the trains, I am sure if she can do it, you can." or "Well you only have to ask for help, it's no big deal." or even once, "It's because you didn't go to the right school.” These comments, rather than being helpful and encouraging, just make me feel inferior like I am a lesser human being just because of this one thing I can’t do. I have struggled with this issue for years. but I have come to accept the fact that it may never change, no matter how many journeys I force myself to take. But there is one journey which I am happy to be travelling every day of my life. I do not travel alone on this journey, but my hand is held safe in God's and will be there for all eternity. He will never let me go anywhere alone and would never answer my prayers for help and guidance with the question "Did you actually book assistance?" I know that while myself and other people can only see my failures, all God can see is the blood of his son making me justified to stand before him. While other people focus on what I can't do, God is taking what I can do and using those things for his glory. God accepts anyone no matter what they have or haven't done, where they can or cannot go, and whatever disability or ability they have. All it takes is a heart that is truly sorry for it's sins and really wants to come to him, and he will be with you for the rest of your life, where ever you go, whatever you do. All are equal in God's eyes. If God wasn't with me, I wouldn't even be able to make it through the day, let alone make it out of the door to go travelling. So before you think about what you or someone you know can't do, take a long look at what God can do.

busy times

I seem to have been kept very busy with speaking engagements recently. March April and May have all been particularly busy, as I had been asked to speak at the anniversary of the New Forest Torch group, a group I have spoken to every year for the past 6 years, even before I started working for Through The Roof. Then up to Dorset the next week to speak at a ladies meeting. In April I was asked to take a seminar at the Liverpool Toolkit, then the next week I was in Cheam in Epsom, followed by a talk at my own church in Potton the first week in May, was interviewed at Christian Resources Exhibition by Marylyn Baker the following week, then I visited a school where I spoke to 3 classes of children about what it is like growing up blind. I gave them a turn at walking with my white cane, and explained the right way to guide a blind person. They all had lots of questions and were interested in the equipment i had bought to show them (laptop, brailler, colour detector etc), as well as my books and memories of school. I tried to leave them with the impression that having a disability does not mean that someone isn’t normal and they can make friends with them just the same and not to be afraid. It seemed to be a successful afternoon. I am due to speak at another school on 5th June, so looking forward to that. As well as giving my own personal experience of growing up a as a blind person, my testimony as a christian, and any useful tips on interacting with/including a disabled person in Church School, or home life, I also speak about what Through The Roof is doing, and if the group hasn’t heard about us before, give them an overview of who we are and what we do. My engagements range from training sessions, to presentations. If you or someone you know would be interested in having me to speak then please feel free to get in contact by email or phone: philippa@throughtheroof.org 07841087806 My aim is to leave people with a better understanding of disabilities, and a glimpse of how faith in God can make such a difference in anyone’s life.

Easter Reflections

“5  But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. 6  All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all.” Isaiah 53 NLT Its nearly easter already! unbelievable how this year has flown so far! the longer I have been a Christian, the more easter has come to mean to me each year. of course, Jesus dying for my sin has always meant more to me than I could ever express, what I mean is that as I carry on my Christian life, still a sinner, and more and more aware of my sins and how they hurt Jesus, the more and more his death means to me. The more he forgives, the deeper my gratitude! We have spent a few easters away at Jaywick in Essex. when we’re there we attend Frinton Free Church. A few years ago Dad and I went on Good Friday and as well as the usual hymns, readings, and very poignant sermon, there was another reminder of what Jesus had suffered on the cross, this time, it was something that we could physically carry. As we left the church, we were each given a nail. Now I have grown up with nails, hammers, saws, drills etc being part of life, since my brother is a joiner and my dad a Handyman. I have always looked at the sharp little nails, and thought about how horrible it would be to have one go through my hand and how horrible it must have been for Jesus. but actually, the nails in my dad’s shed, were nothing like the nails that would have held Jesus on the cross. the nails we were handed were not an exact copy either, but they were cut nails, cut from a piece of steel, and rather like the blacksmith’s nails which would have been used to nail Jesus to the cross! Instead of the sharp point on the round nails we are used too, these had square ends, which were tapered to a rather blunt point. These nails were strong, sturdy, and did not bend when a hammer hit them at the wrong angle. I really really can’t imagine the sheer agony of having one of those nails shoved through my hands and feet! it really bought home to me, like never before, how much Jesus suffered, and was willing to bare, to forgive me! That same easter, we were trying to relay the easter story to the children in our youth group and sunday school. Someone found a horrible pointy stick with sharp points coming off it and bent it into a makeshift crown. All of the kids were allowed to gently touch it, and pass round the nail. Then a brave (or foolish depending on how you look at it) adult tried resting the crown on his head. he said that the sharp points scratched his head when they were only resting there. Jesus’s crown would have been pushed onto his head so that it broke the skin and drew blood. Another eyeopener for me. I suppose that even though i’ve been a Christian for many years, i’ve only ever had my imagination as to how horrific the crucifixion was. What I imagined didn’t even come close! I know that we can’t picture it to its full extent, and we’ll never be able to do that, but somehow these basic things, the nail and the makeshift crown helped me come to an even deeper understanding of what my precious saviour bore for me that day, and just how much he must have loved me to go through that when he didn’t have to. Now each year I look forward to a fresh discovery of the cross and its meaning, and sing my heart out on easter Sunday that he didn’t stay in the ground and that Satan, Sin, and Death were conquered by him! the Cross isn’t the end, its the start of Life in Jesus Christ. yes, you’ll still sin, yes, you’ll let him down, we all do. but if we are truly sorry, Jesus will forgive. I hope this easter opens someone else's eyes as the previous easters have opened mine. “I shall know him I shall know him, and redeemed by his side I shall stand! I shall know him I shall know him, by the print of the nails in his hands!” Fanny J Crosby.

6 months of marriage

On March 7th, Will and I had been married for 6 months. Well, since our fairy-tale wedding, I can honestly say it’s been a bed of roses! Flowers every day, breakfast in bed, and never a cross word between us! Not convinced? Ok then, so maybe it hasn’t been quite as idyllic  as that.  When everybody tells you that marriage is something to be worked at, that it’s very different to just going out with someone, and that “you think you know someone before you get married, but you’ll find you’re learning new things about them every day,” you just smile and think “I know that.” Actually it’s true, but you only truly realise that after you’re married and look back.  I think in the first few months, Will and I spent a lot of time getting to know each other’s mood swings, as well as working out where we wanted to put things in the flat, then getting used to the things we do differently, like how we make tea or hang out washing. That takes some getting used to, and I could tell you some funny stories like the day Will poured fabric softener down the toilet instead of bleach. I could also tell you about disasters like the day I stepped on Will’s computer and broke the mouse pad (because I didn’t know it was on the floor). We have learnt that we have to be organised and consistent with things, since neither of us can see if something is not in its right place. We’ve had to establish who does what in the house, and in fact it’s worked out that we both share things equally, apart from emptying the bin which is definitely Will’s job!  As part of my attempt to be the best wife possible, I learnt to iron recently. My mum did try and teach me when I was younger, but I told her that “my husband can iron his own shirts, he needn't expect me to do it!” In actual fact neither of us could iron so I learnt and quite enjoy it.   Getting used to each other and a new house is pretty standard for any new couple, but we also had the challenge of getting used to our new area too. People around Potton are very helpful and quick to assist us if we get stuck which helps.  Though it’s a challenge sometimes, and there are days which are hard going for us both, it’s also wonderful to have someone to share the rest of your life with. We might get each other’s moods wrong at times, really annoy each other, or say the wrong thing, but we trust God to bring us through the hard times.  We really enjoy studying together and praying, and our hope is that our marriage will be God-centred. Recently we’ve opened our home to hold Christianity Explored and Discipleship Explored courses, which has been a great blessing.   It’s not all romance and flowers, and there have been and will be hard times to come. It’s a case of day-to-day love, both of each other and of God and neither of us would change a thing.    

cinematic experience

While Will and I were still in the dating phase of our relationship, we went to the cinema a few times. A couple of times we went to see films in the company of my nieces and nephews. But twice we went on our own. If you’re wondering why 2 blind people would want to go to the cinema and what we could possibly get out of it, let me explain. At specific times and dates, cinemas will hold an “audio described” showing of the films. This means that people with visual impairments are given a headset to wear. When they put this on, every action in the movie which is not obvious by the dialogue is described. For example “she crosses the dark room and flicks on the light” or “he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders” - all the little things that sighted people will see without realizing they’ve seen it but which is essential in the plot of the movie are described to us. This is also available on TV and some DVDs. The first time we went on our own was to see ‘Les Mis’. The staff took us to the screen, sat us down and promised to come and get us at the end. They did, and everything ran to plan. We felt empowered and keen to go again. So, we booked into see ‘A Song For Marion’. We had sent my parents to see it for their wedding anniversary and they recommended it. It all went smoothly. We were shown into the seats, and left with our headsets to enjoy the film. I have to say it was one of the best movies I have ever seen! We both really enjoyed it! The end came and people began to file out of the screen. We waited for the staff member to come and get us. Pretty soon, everyone had left and we were the only ones in the room. We thought, “they are bound to come and get us in a minute”. After the final credits and music of the movie had finished, there was an eerie silence. Followed by a few hisses from the speakers! Then nothing. 10 minutes went by. From childhood, I have always hated total silence. I think it is because I can’t see, I rely so much on my ears to tell me what’s around. I always used to go to sleep with a tape on, and even now I need something humming in the background to feel comfortable. This was the most complete silence that I could ever imagine. Will and I sat in our seats, feeling more and more on edge. Then, there was a whistling sound outside the door as if someone was standing there. We thought “aha! He’ll come in in a minute”. Another 2 or 3 passed and nothing. My Mum was due to pick us up so I took out my phone (remembering why I never leave the house without it) and called her. I told her “no one has come to get us. We are on our own in the screen, can you ask them to come and find us?” We then had a few more minutes of suffocating silence before the screen door opened. Mum and a member of staff came in. We were so pleased to hear another human being. When we were out in the reception area, we said to the staff member “we were taken in by one of your staff, so why did no one come to get us?” she replied that she wasn’t sure. We explained that we had heard someone whistling outside the door and the staff member said “oh, that was the cleaner. He’s not allowed in the screen while there are people in there, he would have eventually had to send for someone to investigate why you weren’t coming out”. Well, that’s a comforting thought! We left feeling shaken and sent a letter to customer services. They took a look at the cctv and after apologizing, gave us 4 free tickets to use on a show. In other words, so we could take 2 carers with us. After a bit of negotiating, we got them to agree that we could use the tickets on 2 different shows if we wanted to come alone. However, after that experience, when we next went to the cinema it was in the company of several other people. I don’t think we’ll chance it on our own for a while, though it’s still a great thing to do and we enjoy it!

Christmas reflections

When I was born just after Christmas 25 years ago, my parents were in deep shock to find that I had no eyes. As a result of my lack of sight, my mum said it felt like I was her first baby, not her 7th. She said that not being able to make eye contact with me, was so hard. For one thing, each time she went to pick me up I would jump and cry because I had been startled by 2 hands coming from nowhere! Mum and dad learned to adapt, and to do things slightly different, for example, talking to me as they walked towards me so that I would know they were there before they picked me up. Mum told me recently that when she thought about christmas for the first few years after I was born, she really struggled to know what to get me. She said she didn’t know how I would ever like christmas, since she new I couldn’t see the pretty lights and decorations, or look at the christmas tree, or peak at the brightly wrapped presents underneath it. She couldn’t buy me picture books, or toys or games that required reading or visual cues. I have no idea why she was worried though, since from as far back as I can remember, I have always loved Christmas! I still look forward to it each year with the same excitement I had a s a child! When people tell me that “christmas is really for the kids” I strongly disagree! Maybe that means I’m more in touch with my inner child than with my outer adult, but it doesn’t bother me! I love the smells at christmas: oranges are normally eaten in abundance at this time, and although I don’t like them myself, the smell of them reminds me of christmas. My mum has always made her own christmas cake, and the smells of the mixed fruit ad sherry it contains as it cooks spreads right through the house. We also make stuffing, and I remember being allowed to feed the blender with bits of bread, slices of onion, and bunches of parsley under the close supervision of my parents or sisters when I was younger. Chopped parsley and onion have their own, very strong smell which is great for the sinuses if you happen to have a cold. The scent of the tree (we always had a real one for this reason) combined with the distinctive smell and crackle of the open fire and all the other delicious odors combined to make a special christmas perfume which I wish I could bottle. I would probably call it “Christmas Cocktail”. The sounds at Christmas are also important to me. As I have said, mum likes to cook her own christmas cakes, and she also cooks her own christmas puddings. She starts the cake in early October to give it time to mature. The christmas pudding normally gets cooked at the beginning of November, and the sound of hissing pressure cookers has always been to me one of the first audible signs that Christmas is on its way again at long last! They hiss so loud that it makes everything sound slightly muffled, a bit like an old film or radio program when the quality wasn’t quite as good as todays. I love the carols at christmas, and of course, the atmosphere when shopping is amazing! I used to be really good and do all my Christmas shopping in October. I loved the hustle and bustle of the streets which were not too crowded then. This year however, what with the wedding, Christmas sort of crept up on me! So I was shopping right up to christmas eve! But its still fun! I love the thrill of buying someone something you know they will like, and wrapping it up wondering what they will say when they open it! I put a lot of thought into presents, and love giving them as much as receiving them! One of the things I’ve always longed to do, and God willing its an ambition I’ll realize this year, is to sing Christmas carols in somewhere like the Grand Arcade Cambridge where the acoustics are amazing, and raise money for TTR while singing my favorite carols! I have always thought the sound of live music is one of the best things ever! Especially at christmas time. It seems to make everybody happier somehow. One of the advantages of living on a village market square is that we hear anyone who comes to carol sing on the square from our sitting room, and can stand outside our front door and enjoy it! That’s what I did this year when the local middle school came to sing! It was lovely! Our church also takes a stand on the square at the christmas market and sing carols, and give out leaflets on our christmas services!. For a couple of years, we did door to door carol singing. Another christmas highlight for me is carols round my parents house. We wheel the piano into the kitchen, get some chairs from church and fetch down the carol books and invite people to come and sing with us! This year as well as the gathering with the church people, we did a lot of singing as a family. We haven’t had the opportunity before since none of us play the piano, but since I have married an organist who doesn’t mind playing the piano, problem solved! Another thing I love is the family togetherness! We have a big family, and its normally at christmas that everyone gets together. It means my mum cooks for upwards of 30 people, and you basically have to fight for a spare chair and guard it with your life, but its a lot of fun! Of course then, there’s the food!!! I absolutely love turkey! And although I don’t like christmas pudding or christmas cake, I am very partial to some ice cream and condensed milk, which I only let myself indulge in over Christmas! All the sausage rolls for tea, chocolate log, and caramel squares too! Plus the sound of the children laughing and playing with their new presents and pulling crackers is magical! I’ve always loved the sound of unwrapping presents, and especially as we all open ours at once. Its all chatter and laughter and paper ripping everywhere and it is such a special atmosphere to me! I never put my presents away until the new year, I keep the stocking my mum gives me in its bag and add in all the presents I get from other people too, just to make it last that bit longer. I suppose I’m afraid that if I put them away, it will feel less like christmas! I have left the most important bit till last though! I love christmas most because its when God sent his only son into the world as a tiny baby, to live on earth as a child like every other child, then to grow into the man who died on the cross to save us from our sins. It always amazes me, that, as Stuart Townsend puts it in “Joy has Dawned”, “Hands that set each star in place, Shaped the earth in darkness, Cling now to a mother's breast, Vulnerable and helpless.”. I only heard that carol at christmas last year, but it sums it up so well. So my mum shouldn’t have worried. I love christmas! I love it for the food, the presents, the family, the atmosphere, the cold weather which means I get to waer my favourite fluffy jumpers, the sounds and the smells. All her efforts were not wasted. But most of all, I love Christmas because it was here that God’s plan for us to be made right with him began to unfurl. Jesus is the best present of all. I have had some wonderful gifts this christmas, but the best and most precious is Jesus.